At one point when Sam explained that he had looked at porn on the internet as “research”, as he wanted to understand it, Sophie took it the wrong way.
“You bastard!” She burst out, “What have you found?”
She lived in constant fear that the photos of her would be discovered.
She learned positivism, and she often tried to put a positive spin on her past.
“It was brilliant…I used them as much as they used me.” She tried to convince herself, but Sam could see that this was a self-induced illusion to help her survive. Is using anybody really good? Is being used by anybody really desirable? She was persecuting truth inside her own mind.
Sam was able to empathise with Sophie to understand her, and to give her the kind of love she needed to deal with her experiences. But Sophie’s past was coloured by the people around her. Drug dealers, pimps, users, gun dealers, many evil people. They influenced her, and she became dragged down into their world of using, controlling, taking and deceiving. Their bad habits rubbed off on her. She would find ways to use, and to delude herself that she was an okay person. Her comment about using people who used her was partly a self-induced delusion to cover up her own real guilt. If anybody had used her it still didn’t justify her using them. The correct course of action would have been to return that evil with love. The wise course of action for her in those days would have been to get out. She carried on with the using ways in her relationship with Sam. Although he could not see the truth of what was going on at the start, Sam eventually became wise. When he realised he was being used and that Sophie was unlikely to change, he got out.
The experience changed Sam’s view of porn. He had seen in detail the psychological cost of making porn on one of the people who was involved. Many handle it, but many don’t. The question of whether it is ethical to use porn became clearer; when the unpleasant consequences were obvious.
Sophie made porn when she was young and naïve. She had her mind distorted by people around her, who convinced her it was a good idea. Those people distorted her perception because they wanted to make money from selling her body. She was also heavily into drugs which further distorted her view of what she was doing. She had excessive ego, and thought she could handle what she was doing. She thought she was clever for using men. She had been raped years before, and this had caused her to lose some self respect - as she had already been violated, it was a smaller step for her to continue to give her body to strange men, this time for personal gain. She enjoyed the power it gave her over men, and she often used her sexuality to control men, and then punish them for the abuse others had inflicted on her years before.
In order to protect future generations from making similar mistakes, one piece of advice should be instilled into children’s minds before they act:
If you’re not sure if something is a good idea, don’t do it. (And if you already have, have hope -
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